The Master Piece

It is five minutes to the deadline and I have just completed my coursework. I have one last gander at it and a tear almost comes to my eye. It is perfect. This is a masterpiece, carefully compiled from the best bits of coursework of the some smartest guys in my class. These guys were carefully hand selected by me. Some of the smartest geeks you will ever meet. Guys that will make Bill Gates pee in his pants. These are guys that literarily came out of their mothers’ wombs with a keyboard in one hand and a C++ script in the other.

Yes I know you may call it plagiarism but who is to draw the line between plagiarism and cooperative effort. I read through it one more time and it is even more perfect than I thought. I send this baby to print and I can see it start to come out.

I glance away from the printer for a second to check on my emails. I receive an email from a classmate seeking help i.e. he wants to copy my work. Can you imagine the nerve of this aloof no do gooder cheat? This walking ‘F’ grader must have no idea that this coursework is NOT a group exercise!!!

I stand up and make my way gracefully to the printer. As I walk, I think of the email I just received from my classmate…honestly, some people can be so lazy. Imagine the nerve; he wants to get a high mark without putting in the hard work. He actually wants to reap where he has not sown. These lazy people disgust me. I make a note to avoid him from now on because I generally don’t hang with students that get a nice round ZERO on coursework. I have no use for them.

I am standing over the printer now, and to my ghastly horror, my coursework is missing. I open all compartments of the printer furiously, checking under the printer and simultaneously studying the heap of paper at the side of the printer. No coursework…it’s gone!!! An opportunistic goat has made away with my hard work. I start to perspire on a cold November evening and my ‘Right Guard 24 hour’ protection seems to have stopped working, but that is really the least of my problems now. It was such a schoolboy error not to have put my name on the coursework. I regularly steal coursework from the printer at the last minute and I should have known better.

I run back to my PC to print out another copy but alas, everyone’s mad rush to print coursework has crashed the printer. I see a freckled faced geek kicking the printer with his little feet…this is usually a sure sign that the printer cannot be fixed and we would all have to wait till the IT helpdesk opens tomorrow.

My brain goes into overdrive and I have 2 choices here. I can either accept defeat or rush to the office and accost the fool who believed he could steal my coursework and get away with it. The office closes in 2 minutes and I have a long way to run. I run nevertheless; my legs bulging with pain and my heart bashing against my rib cage. But I do not notice these feelings. I seem to be remembering a character from my favourite computer combat game. This character can give his opponent a hundred slaps in a minute. This is apparently humanly impossible but I plan on giving it a very good try this evening



I get to the office just as the academic secretary is about to close up. She has this un-approving expression on her face but she better get out of my way before she receives her share of my hundred-hand slap. I immediately notice the Ostrich that stole my coursework. The thief sees me and knows I can see him. He is about to slot his coursework through the box and once it is in that box, all evidence is gone. The seconds slow to a standstill as I leap towards his direction…………

Unfortunately, this is not a movie where the good guy wins. My leap was in vain. In fact, I looked very stupid hopping around the office for no apparent reason.

My whole world seems to have crashed all around me but I am smiling. Why am I smiling, you ask. Well, I suddenly remember I forgot to give my lecturer the doctor’s note, which clearly details my sudden symptoms of acute tuberculosis, combined with a heavy dose of measles whilst also nursing the flu.

I walk out of the office whistling while I decide on which of my doctor’s signatures to use this time round. I will give my lecturer the note tomorrow morning, he will grant me an extension.

You see the good guy always wins at the end and oh yes, I must remember to buy some calamine lotion on my way home. It will definitely be a nice little touch when I see my lecturer tomorrow.

So is this it?

Why have I started this blog? To be truthful, I have no idea... This is just one of those random things I do and I am definitely not here to divulge private information....interesting things don't really happen to me anyway...I write to find humour in my slightly exaggerated life in London but do indulge me..

So is this it? Like most of you I had plans of making millions of pounds in London before twenty-Something but I find myself trudging through work just to keep the likes of C&G, BT, Sky, PowerGen, Admiral and T-Mobile profitable.....And it does seem I must have missed the millionaires boat by a long way gauging from my last status check. Below is what I found from my last status check

Savings Account: £20.00
Current Account: Overdraft for dummies
Assets: 0.00
House: Half of a flat....Basically a room and half a kitchen..
Liabilities: I can confidently boast of 5 figures in this area
Car: Banged up 'Roger Roger' that single handily contributes to 15% of BP's profit in North London
Bonus: what is that?
Job: Lets just say I am a valued member of the efinancial careers website
MasterCard: Definitely priceless....you actually never finish paying for this card...


So how did I get here? Its not like I did not try out some ventures or consider some get rich quick schemes..Below is a breakdown of my past ventures

Stocks: A quickfire way to lose your mortgage deposit in less than 2 months...It turns out sure banker stocks could actually lose 30% in one day...Those free seminars never highlighted this fact..
Properties: I am just glad I have not been arrested yet
Software Company: It turns out 'Programming for dummies' is not actually for dummies
Recruitment Company: We actually tried to pass off two Russian girls as the ideal African candidates to a client.. We were kindly asked to keep our day jobs
Writing: Apparently the Nigerian version of James Bond might not exactly be a best-seller.. I dabbled into love stories but it turns out all those hours watching blue movies in my teens finally did skew my perspective....(and my uncle did warn me).....can someone say Mills & Boon!!!
Fashion: anyone looking to buy brown and red dress shirts for work? (honestly)
Investment Banking: A lot of these banks have actually stopped acknowledging receipt of my monthly CV updates...
Networking: So I wanted to be the master networker after reading Keith Ferrazi's book called 'Never Eat Alone' . After the most uncomfortable 2 hours of my life, listening to a random soon to be pensioner telling me about the boyfriend she met in Sri Lanka, I knew from that point that not succeeding as a master networker was crucial to my mental stability...
Lottery: I swear that machine prints out numbers that are not even on the lottery balls....
IT Contracting: Yes, the sure fountain of ££££££...Well it turns out if you don't know any acronyms, then you are contracting to no where land e.g XML, SAP, SQL, VBA, ERP; and as if that is not enough, the addition of a random character to these acronyms could make you a few more hundreds per month e.g C++, C#, VB#, VBA#, J++. What the hell happened to using good ol' plain English....WTF....
Crime and Fraud: The last time I commited a crime was in primary school where I was caught cheating in my fine-art coursework. I just don't believe I will have better luck pursuing this as a career choice...

Am I frustrated? Not in the least bit...Am I happy? Unbelievably so. As I write this blog, I feel a sense of achievement that I try my hands in everything I imagine (even though it would probably be cheaper to think before I leap). I do not believe in a life of limiting yourself and sticking to what you know...On my death bed, I would like to be able to say I lived a life without regrets just like Anthony Hopkins says in 'Meet Joe Black' during his final speech

So maybe I will make that million, maybe I will not..maybe I will write another blog or maybe i will not...One thing is for certain though; This is surely not 'it' for this lad.....